The August Lunaticle Newsletter

"Why are you like that?"

It's a question that raises one's defensive hackles, but one I've been pondering a lot - especially as I sit around, waiting for my leg to heal. 

One thing that I don't think people consider when they get all upset about "identity politics" is that one doesn't just arbitrarily choose one's identity, the way one chooses, say, a football team they fancy. But some of the same people who identify as a "Cowboys fan" and want to talk about nothing but "their team" are those who get offended by someone "identifying" as gay. Or Black. etc. 

Identity, like trauma, is part of the program on which we run. The reason why one person instinctively flinches when they see a big dog, while another runs toward the pup with open arms. 

Identity is why certain smells are comforting for some people and upsetting for others.

Why some are comfortable dancing in crowds and the very notion sickens others.

Who knows where identity originates? There are, of course, theories. 

Upbringing certainly accounts for some parts of one's identity. Others are clearly inborn, the product of genetics.

If you know me it won't come as much of a surprise to know that I believe so very much of it to be karma, patterns set in place in past lives that we must live through now to find our way out of this material maze. 

Which brings me back to why am I like this???

I mentioned in last month's Lunaticle my generational trauma that began when the Roman Empire invaded the land from which the majority of my genetics derive, that land which is now the UK. I know in the memory of my bones that my forefather who accounts (according to 23&Me) for 1% of my DNA and hailed from North Africa was an interloper on both the land and body of my foremother. That sadness has never been fully dealt with in my family, and it's just compounded over the many centuries.

And then there are my various incarnations, with their attendant baggage.

It's such a deep part of the programming that no one but ourselves has any way of knowing any truth about it. And when we disenfranchise and distrust ourselves, those truths of our identity are lost to our consciousness and thus never get worked out. 

But! Even if all that's balderdash, the goofiest of malarkey, I can tell you these very "real" things about why I am like this. 

I was born sweating and left-handed.

From birth I've had hyperhidrosis which means my hands and feet, along with most of the rest of my body, sweat relentlessly. I'm autistic, and I wasn't diagnosed until my late 40s. I inherited profound depression from both sides of my family, and I had developed the body of a curvy 18-year-old woman by the time I was 9. All of those things made me a target for bullies in my small Texas town, and my entire physical/mental reality amounted to a tremendous challenge that I just barely survived.  

Those are just the most basic yet salient points of the way my body/brain/nervous system has dictated my identity, which in turn dictates the way I see the world. That was my programming, and some not-so-desirable quirks, some might call them "complexes" have developed as a result. 

For instance, I know that I spent the first 40 odd years of my life hobbling together a janky suit of emotional armor in an attempt to keep my wounded inner child (I call her LeeLee) from getting even more wounded.

My guard dog ego (Spike) and his hot-headed mistress, my inner diva Lola, have complicated my reality both for myself and for those around me. I know this, and my intention is to bring all of these inner realities to a consensus, to be less reactive and more responsive to life, and especially to the bits of life that trigger me. 

That's my goal, and it's been going remarkably well! 

Breaking my knee was a setback, admittedly. All that rage and pain and helplessness that was the water in which I swam for so long came rushing back during those first few weeks. I didn't like the person I was presenting, and it was distressing to me.

This broken leg has been a huge challenge, and an even huger blessing. No sooner did I start to think, "I'm kinda holy. I got this thing down," did the universe say, "what's that, Love? You're seeking a challenge that will kickstart your growth? Broken knee on the way!" 

Of course I don't believe that's literally what happened, but I do think the idea is a gesture toward the truth. 

It's been 42 days since I fell off a barstool in my front yard where I was endeavoring to hang a hummingbird feeder from a tree and broke my knee.

What with the complications from drug interactions, I was desperately sick for the first 3 weeks or so. My leg was the least of it, as I was constipated and vomiting for several days straight. One drug reaction made me think I was having a stroke. It's been terrifying and humbling.

For the first half of this ordeal, then, I was in the fetal position. When I told George (my therapist) that, he said, "this is really a rebirth for you, isn't it?" I get irritated with George, but he's often brilliant at pointing out to me the obvious in my own life. 

So for almost a month I laid in bed feeling horrible and wondering if all the work I'd done on myself could be undone that easily...just a broken knee was all it took to send me back to the ego-driven, armor-clad person I had been before 2020? 

Spoiler alert: it wasn't undone, and if anything, it's been reinforced. 

I've been reminded, rather violently, that my body keeps the score. And on July 7th, my body informed me that it would be calling the tune as well. Not that it hasn't always provided the background music, if you will. It's just that the musical score has never had anything relevance to what I perceived to be the plot before.

So I head into this full moon in Aquarius full of hope. It's a big, intense full moon, and if you're interested in the details, I suggest you head to https://www.thehoodwitch.com/blog/2024/8/16/super-blue-moon-in-aquarius. 

I'm doing Reiki treatments on my knee every day, and it's healing beautifully. 

Everything is energy. 

The next full moon is on September 17th, the day before my appointment with the surgeon, so I'll send out one more Lunaticle before that. 

Send good vibes.